Billy Bob discusses touchy subject of gay rights

by Clint Rickards, 3L, Aaron Rowden, 2L, and Gus Golden, 1L
Law Weekly
April 7, 2009

In the world of alternative dispute resolution, the parties are represented by equally articulate and intelligent advocates. These are their stories. [“Law and Order” sound. You know the one.]

Billy Bob is a self-proclaimed Joe Six-Pack from Middle America. He likes guns, beers, and trucks on cinder blocks. He believes his neighbor, Felipe-Francois, is an abomination in the eyes of the Lord and will burn eternally in the lake of fire.

Felipe-Francois is a model, singer, actor, waiter, and anything you want on Tuesday nights from West Hollywood. He thinks Time’s Person of the Year should either be Kelly Clarkson or Giorgio Armani. He refers to his neighbor, Billy Bob, as simply “that homophobe.”

Billy Bob and Felipe-Francois have decided to sit down to rationally discuss the pros and cons of gay rights in America. The Law Weekly has been furnished with a transcript of these negotiations. Law Weekly: Fair and Balanced.

BB: Now I reckon I’ve heard enough of this here homer-sexual marriage. I reckon that a marriage needs to be only between a man and a woman ‘cause if heterosexual marriage was good enough for Jesus Christ, it’s good enough for anyone.

FF: Wasn’t Jesus single? Anyway, what about equality? Why should Clay Aiken not be able to marry Lance Bass if they’re truly in love? Those of us in the LGBTQ community believe that . . .

BB: LGBTQ. . .what in Ted Haggard’s meth addiction is that?? I get that you got the lez-beens and the gays and the bi-sex-als and even those strange ol’ he-she transportation-exuals, but Q?

FF: Questioning . . .

BB: Well I got a question for you. Where do you homer-sexuals get off stealing our alfer-bet. It is a God given alfer-bet. You don’t even have a vowel. You’re just trying to cheat at Scrabble.

FF: You’re just trying to be the Simon Cowell to our William Hung. We’re here. We’re qu . . .

BB: Now before you go about throwing around that there Q, I need to tell you about the natural order of things. When God created Q he put it together with U. That Q was designed to only be with U.

FF: What about “qi”?

BB: That sounds like some Commie Chinese word that’s stealing American industries. Let’s bring this back to the issue of your moral depravities. It’s Q and U not Adam and Steve.

FF: Adam and Steve throw the best Tony Awards parties. Those crème puffs. My God, I know I shouldn’t, they make me fat. They’re so bad, but they’re so good. Anyway, can we have Y then? It goes both ways, we need it for Village People dances, and it can stand for “yes,” as in “Yes, I’m straight, but I’ve had two beers and those photos of the Jonas Brothers are starting to look more and more attractive.”

They’re so far in the closet they’re having adventures in Narnia. Mmmm Mr. Tumnas. And didn’t Tilda Swinton look absolutely fabulous? I wish I could get away with wearing that. I know what I’m being for Halloween.

BB: That’s why double-wides don’t have closets.

FF: What?

BB: Look it up. It’s in the Bible. A mobile home, like Noah’s Ark. You know, with all them straight pairs of animals.

FF: Well hopefully a tornado won’t pick up your home like in the Wizard of Oz. I love that movie. Judy Garland and her gift to the world: Liza.

BB: You mean Over the Rainbow? Which leads me to another thing, what gives you people the right to claim the entire spectrum of visible light as “your colors.”

When I turn on my TV, I have every right to see the full color of my Pay-Per-View, good old American, greased up, loincloth-wearing men rassling each other into submission. All them chokeholds and body slamming is so much better in full color.

It’s almost as good as when I get to see men in tight spandex pants penetrating deep into the other side’s end zone and then slapping each other on the ass. All-American good time, not that you queer-o-sexuals know anything about that.

FF: What? Wrestling men to the ground. I’m sure I could show a thing or two, sailor. Anyway, you wanna talk about All-American symbols? What about Madonna? Cher? Whitney Houston? Bert and Ernie? Dorothy’s Ruby Slippers? Dick Cheney’s progeny? Joan Crawford? Rue McClanahan? Barbara Streisand? Dolly Parton?

BB: Now why are you bringing in a nice decent woman like Dolly into your den of iniquity? Next thing you’re gonna tell me Johnny Cash was a drug-addicted spouse abuser. Your lies have no end do they?

FF: Speaking of ends, did you see the last episode of Battlestar? Lee Adama. He could be my final Cylon any day. And as for Admiral Adama, can you say “sugar daddy?”

BB: Just another product of the mistake of affirmative action.
This dispute resolution ended abruptly and awkwardly, which was not unusual for either party.

Felipe-Francois opened a bar on Fire Island while Billy Bob fulfilled his dream of getting pinned by an actual professional wrestler. In unrelated news, Mark Foley’s wresting career began with a win.

Tune in next week when Billy Bob and Eric Holder have a frank discussion about race.