Heat on the Hill: The Laws of Love by Logan & Lucy 3/24/09

Hewwo Logan and Lucy,

I’m in ur law skoolz, reading ur casez. I haz a job, but they maybez be taking mah job. I haz smartz and good hairz. I haz good sense of humor and cute kitteh and iz very clean. But I still single, which iz suprizing becuz I be good catch. Why I no can haz boyfriend nao?

From,
Gurl in Gewirz

Dear GG,

What ... was ... THAT?! Seriously. That written drivel is the modern equivalent of Valley Girl, except it doesn’t come with hot shoes and Fred Segal angora sweaters. You think it’s cute, but it’s just really annoying, like getting a citation by the Supreme Court, but only in the dissenting opinion. It makes less sense than the Bluebook and really has no value in actual society (also like the Bluebook). It’s just like Justice Scalia and legislative history: Does not compute.

However, despite your written diarrhea, you’ve managed to actually ask a question, and since I can’t throw this out, I’m supposed to answer (although now I know how Judge Kent felt with that whole Bolivia case). You want to know why you don’t have a boyfriend? Look at how you write and what you think is funny. Nobody wants to date a girl who can’t put sentences together.

The one slightly redeeming part of your letter, however, is that it makes the rest of us look good by comparison, or at least those of us who can actually use a spell check.

Yours,
Lucy

Dear GG,

You know, they really don’t pay enough to put up with some of the stuff that we have to deal with. On second thought, they really don’t pay me at all. But anyway, for once, I actually agree with my esteemed colleague, Lucy, about the pointlessness of this type of speaking.

(Logan, just so we’re clear, just because you flatter me doesn’t mean I’ll sleep with you -L)

However, if you are seeking male companionship, I know many guys who would be willing to overlook your word vomit and see you for the object you truly are. Just stop by the Law Weekly Office and I can introduce you to some.

'Flipside,
Logan