Universal Law: 3/24/09

Pisces (Feb. 19 -March 20)
The Constitution says nothing about horoscopes, so you don’t get one.

Aires (March 21 - April 19)
Team Dodd or Team Geithner? Your choice will affect not just politics, but your enjoyment of a Market Café sandwich on Thursday.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Buying Twilight will make you a hit with chastity-loving tweens. Then again, for you, everyone in D.C. seems to be chastity-loving.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
If you’re breathing and know the gender of the players (“That’s a MAN!”), you too have what it takes to become a sports commentator.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22)
Now that BSG is over you can drop your stupid conspiracy theory that Nancy Pelosi is the final Cylon.

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22)
Plotting the downfall of SBA is not a good use of your free time. Plotting the downfall of GG&SS is though.

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22)
Pet cats, water, apples, and laptops for your inevitable coup are not covered under Heller. Try bazookas.

Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22)
You’ll go to class, study, do work, and have an affair with Bristol Palin. Just another normal week for you.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21)
If you’re sick of the term “Bromance” you can stop it with a protest during Wednesday Wind Down. Would we lead you astray?

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
So your bracket got busted. At least you won’t get busted for the shenanigans you’ll pull Saturday night. We think that’s a fair trade.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
How do you stack up to President Obama’s bracket? And why is this top news on ESPN?

Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
Just because we use the “royal we” doesn’t mean you can. Except on alternate Thursdays from 3-4:30.

horoscopes by Clinton Rickards, 3L