Dan Fanelli - For Fear, For Xenophobia, and for Congress

This is Dan Fanelli. Your argument is invalid.Dan Fanelli-R wanted to replace Alan Grayson-D as the Congressman from the 8th District of Florida, which is dominated by Orlando. Dan Fanelli is “Pro-Fair Tax,” “Pro-Life,” and “Pro-American.” This last bit is a relief, as this inquisitive “American” couldn’t tell what country he supported by the flag-bedecked banner on his site or the background wallpaper of the United States Constitution.

Dan Fanelli is also concerned with dangerous terrorists. Apparently you can tell who these terrorists are by their brown skin, scary sounding language, and their poorly wrapped turbans. In order that my fellow students will be better protected, I am morally obligated to share with you the following videos.

Prosecuting Terrorists

In this informative ad, a young man is seen carefully screwing the lid onto his thermos. But wait, this is no ordinary thermos - there is ominous music in the background! The intense and muscular brown man carefully explains, in scary foreigner speak, that the terrorists will “use the infidel’s lawyers and Miranda rights” to spread their message. Stupid Lawyers.

Simple Facts

For this spot, Fanelli’s crack political team chose one of the strangest knockoffs of the Mission Impossible theme ever created. Mr. Fanelli stands sentry in front of a small experimental aircraft and foils the dastardly plot of a very sad looking brown man wearing a poorly wrapped turban. Huzzah!

Simple Facts - Part Deux

Here Fanelli stands next to a Jack Kevorkian lookalike and asks, “Does this look like a terrorist, or this?” At which point the same muscular brown man from the other ads enters from stage right. Dan Fanelli’s logic is irrefutable: the man on the right is exactly what most of the people that will vote for Dan Fanelli think a terrorist looks like. Then, as if he needed to be more awesome, Mr. Fanelli reminds us that under his flag lapel pin and suit lies a “ripped” body. Check and mate.