Dear Geeking Out:
I was hoping to choose my next boyfriend based on which lunch table he sat at during high school. Any Suggestions?
Sincerely, Imaginary Questioner
Thank you for your excellent imaginary question, Imaginary Questioner. There are a lot of ways I could deal with this. Jocks, goths, popular kids, and stoners all have their pros and cons. But I’m going to go in a different direction: you should date a fanboy.
There are plenty of reasons not to date fanboys. Our personal grooming habits range from substandard to pirate. We spend great swaths of our time staring at various types of screens, none of which protect windows. We tend to be pale and out of shape. We don’t know where the nice restaurants are, which beer to order, where the nightclub is, or what time to arrive to avoid paying cover. And we tend to ridicule people who either thought math was hard (you didn’t get a 5 on BC Calculus? Don’t even talk to me!) or fail to recognize computer terminology (Ever pwned a n00b or fought battles with the BSOD trying to install some warez from teh internets?).
But you should date one anyway, and not just because we can explain what’s happening on “Game of Thrones” next season.
First, and most obviously, fanboys tend to have excellent analytical reasoning abilities. Once your talented right brain deciphers those pesky things called “words,” your fanboyfriend will use his formal logic skills to poke holes in judicial opinions. Before long, you’ll be tag-teaming Cardozo and showing Learned Hand who’s boss.
Second, a lot of fanboys end up being very successful. It turns out that just because you’re awkward during middle school doesn’t mean you’re awkward forever (or at least poor forever). Bill Gates, Kevin Smith, and Mark Zuckerberg all were/are fanboys. While not every fanboy will start a multi-billion dollar software empire or direct a Hollywood blockbuster, being extremely passionate and obsessed with details tends to pay professional dividends.
Most importantly, fanboys love unconditionally. We are really, stupidly loyal. Last week on this blog I wrote an entry jokingly suggesting that George Lucas should be murdered for what he’s done to Star Wars since 1983. There are approximately a million things wrong with the prequels and I hate the way they tarnish the legacy of the originals. But I saw each of them in theaters multiple times, and if he made Episode VII, I would be there for the midnight showing.
This sentiment also applies to Star Trek. Despite the logic gaps in the recent movie bigger than William Shatner’s waistline (at the beginning Nero travels through a wormhole to go back in time and torment the Federation. At the end the Federation wins by … sending him through a wormhole?), I absolutely loved it and I will be there at midnight when the next one drops.
Once fanboys decide that something or someone is worthy of our love, we will love them forever. We will scream and yell and throw a fit when they do something we don’t like, but we do those things because we see the greatness inside, and we get upset when that beauty is not allowed to shine. We will definitely call you out when you mess up, but we’ll always be there when you need us, hoping that Episode VII will recapture the Empire Strikes Back magic.
P.S. If you got the joke in the title, then you are a fanboy (or fangirl).