Open Letter From the Future: Marty McFly's Favorite Things About the Newt Gingrich Presidency

Courtesy of Gage Skidmore’s photostream on Flickr.com. Unlike Back to the Future, the Gingrich Presidency can’t be a trilogy.Hey everybody, Marty McFly here on my way back to 1985from the future. I just thought I’d stop by to auction off a few pairs of Nike Mags and let you guys know what a treat you’re in for over the next 8 years. Mr. President Gingrich was awesome. Sorry, will be awesome. Here are my ten favorite things about the Gingrich Presidency:

He abolished the legal profession. The justice system works so much more efficiently in the future. Although I suppose this might not be your favorite thing.

He saved the institution of marriage. By protecting marriage from homosexual subterfuge and leading with his own shining example, Gingrich caused marriage rates to soar, divorce rates to plummet, and the nuclear family to be the unit of American prosperity once more.

He balanced the budget. Gingrich showed that it was not the Internet boom or President Clinton, but his own influence in the House of Representatives that balanced the budget in the late 1990s. Here he did it by cutting taxes on high earners and increasing military spending.

He prevented Iran from getting a nuclear weapon. As soon as Gingrich was elected, the people of Iran all pooped in their pants and then staged a protest in Tehran, persuading the country to abandon its weapons program.

He colonized the moon. I don’t even know what to say about this one. 13,000 Americans live in the new state of Armstrong on the Moon. Take that JFK.

He eliminated poverty. There are no more poor people in the United States, and Gingrich didn’t have to kill them all to do it. He patiently explained that in order to receive goods or services, you must trade “money” for them, and you can earn “money” by working at a job. Once the poor people realized this, they all went out and got jobs and the economy was fixed.

He fixed health care. Without ObamaCare strangling health insurance companies and preventing providers from offering the care patients need, coverage went up, costs went down, and everyone was happy with our health insurance system, just like it was before 2009.

He ended immigration. Turns out all he had to do was issue an executive order. Poof. The lack of immigration ended unemployment, since the immigrants were no longer stealing all those enticing migrant farmer jobs from honest Americans. Silicon Valley also loved this turn of events, because the lack of immigrants freed up the software companies to hire all the eminently qualified Americans.

The open Presidency. A year into his second term, Gingrich announced that he was dabbling as Supreme Leader of China on the side. He said they were an up-and-coming country, and he really thought we’d understand, and this doesn’t mean he loves us any less, and there really isn’t any reason he can’t do both. The whole situation has worked out great for everyone.

Hoverboards. Obviously.