by Petyr Baelish, 3L
Why is “Game of Thrones” so bad? Here are Petyr’s top 9 reasons why.
1. Too much sex. It’s hard to concentrate on the intricate back-stories and complex plot machinations with all those bare breasts and slapping noises. I honestly have no idea what’s going on in the show, and I read the books.
2. Not enough games. Everybody on the show is very serious, all the time. For a show with “Game” in the title, there is a remarkable lack of playing.
3. Not enough thrones. There really only seems to be one, and it’s made entirely of swords and daggers. I don’t see what all the fuss is about. I wouldn’t sit in that thing if you asked me to, and I definitely wouldn’t fight a war about it.
4. The names. Daenerys. Tyrion. Cersei. Sansa. What happened to normal names like Rob or Sam or Jon?
5. Who do I root for? The show doesn’t pick my favorite characters for me. There are no virtuous heroes who protect the innocent and fight courageously to the bitter end. I like my midichlorians to be helpfully delineated between “light” and “dark” so I can readily apply my Disney-manufactured good-and-evil stencil to every form of entertainment I watch.
6. Tyrion’s attitude. His sarcastic comments are quite unnecessary, and he often exacerbates situations through arrogance and an overdeveloped sense of pride. I find his lecherous exploits scandalous. The jealousy he harbors for his beautiful sister and his talented brother makes him the kind of “moustache-twirling” villain that can’t last long. I hope they kill him off by the end of the season.
7. Varys the Eunuch. He displays no emotion whatsoever. I can never tell if he’s excited or happy or sad. He doesn’t even sing. Is he a good guy? After you get your testicles chopped off, you can’t think with your penis anymore.
8. Multiple storylines. Last year action took place at Winterfell, at the Wall, on the road to King’s Landing, at King’s Landing, at the Inn of the Kneeling Man, at the Eyrie in the Vale, and somewhere across the sea with Daenerys and Khal Drogo. Sometimes all in one single episode. The complexity is baffling. How are you supposed to keep track of anything?
9. They killed off Ned. Just kidding. That was awesome. I fight for Queen Daenerys Stormborn forever!
Have a tenth reason to suggest? E-mail email@example.com with your thoughts.