Aphorisms-oscopes

Aquarius – If your metro fare card demagnetizes this week due to nothing more than the invisible energetic field emanating from your left butt cheek, it has nothing to do with your sign. It is merely a statistical probability.  Don’t forget your SmartTrip card next time.

Do you have hopes and dreams? This guy beat you to the punch. Photo courtesy of the Higgs Boson’s photostream on Flickr.com. Pisces – They say it was written in the stars that, one day, some random Pisces would rise from obscurity to become one of our nine robed demigods and would rule the nation with an iron fist for decades. That Pisces is … Antonin Scalia.
Aries – Playing video games in class is incredibly annoying to anyone sitting by you whose opinion matters (me). Stop it! Stick to throwing your very expensive education away on laptop entertainment that doesn’t flash colors in my peripheral vision. Try a crossword, or consider paying attention. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

Taurus – When you point the finger of blame at another, three fingers are pointing back at you. Your thumb’s probably pointing kind of forward and up, but who knows what that means? Unless you’re pointing at a giant.

Gemini – This week you will lie to someone and think they bought it. They didn’t. You need to work on your skills if you really want to grow up to be a lawyer.

Cancer – Useful advice: An apple a day keeps the doctor away. A penny saved is a penny earned.  If you don’t have anything nice to say, write a movie review for the Law Weekly. Email Kevin Scura at Kevin.Scura@gulawweekly.org.

Leo – No one got the joke I wrote for you. Now you get no future.

Virgo – Virgos are known for their  grounded personalities. They’re also known for a stubborn resistance to change. Eat at the Subway Café for two meals a day for the rest of the semester, or take the plunge and leave campus. It’s your choice.

Libra – Cheaters never prosper. Unless you’re the one writing the horoscopes. Then you always get what you want. The power could be yours! Email Christine.Sigurdson@gulawweekly.org.  All signs may apply.

Scorpio – Your bark may be worse than your sting, sky scorpion, but it’s no excuse for being so cranky. It takes more muscles to frown than smile, the sun will come out tomorrow, etc., etc. Stuff it inside your exoskeleton and go on about your day.

Sagittarius – Don’t let others’ jealousy keep you from being your best. They could have been born in late Nov. or early Dec. if they had just thought things through first, so I don’t know why they’re complaining now.

Capricorn – This week you will write a brilliant story and for the Law Weekly. You will repeat the process twice, and get your name on the masthead as a staff writer, easy peasy. Bask in your accomplishments and newfound notoriety and then update your resume!