Sorry, Virgo

Aquarius – Happy birthday sometime around nowish or maybe last week or so. Fun fact: you and about one twelfth of everybody share your sign with famous Aquarians Chief Justice John Roberts and Jennifer Aniston.

Pisces – Don’t eat chips with your mouth open in the library.  The fury of the zodiac will be unleased upon you.  Just don’t do it.

Aries – The paper you’ve been procrastinating on will get done on time. You don’t have to start working on it yet.  Stay strong and keep watching that “House” marathon.
Photo courtesy of the sylvar’s photostream on Flickr.com. Diagnosis: procrastination. Treatment: carry on.

Taurus – Luck is on your side this week. It’s time to be daring. Buy some lottery tickets, show up to class without doing the reading,  and drink that milk in your fridge that’s walking the fine line of expiration. Live on the edge.

Gemini – Why be in such a hurry, Gemini? Take some time to stop and smell the roses. Or in your case, the lettuces in the GULC planters. I’ll give you a dollar if you eat one. I can’t be the only one wondering what they taste like.

Cancer – This week you will receive an email from a stranger promising you greatness/a look at your house on Google earth/lots of Viagra if you just open the attachment or click on the link. Don’t.

Leo – Cold season isn’t over quite yet. If anyone sneezes anywhere near you, promptly punch them and then lysol yourself in the face. Dangerous times call for drastic measures.

Virgo – IDK.

Libra – This is not a good week to be placing any bets, lovely Libra. Take your Super Bowl winnings and buy yourself or a Sagittarian friend something nice. Sagittarians also accept cash donations and detailed outlines. Don’t be afraid to show them you care.

Scorpio – You will be disappointed (and hungry) upon your discovery that the cafeteria’s seven bean soup is actually comprised of some broth and seven beans.

Sagittarius – You will receive an email from a long lost friend. Remember why you lost them in the first place.

Capricorn – This is the week that your dreams come true. Literally. Don’t watch any scary movies or “Fox News” before bed. We’re counting on you.

Aquarius – Happy birthday sometime around nowish or maybe last week or so. Fun fact: you and about one twelfth of everybody share your sign with famous Aquarians Chief Justice John Roberts and Jennifer Aniston.

Pisces – Don’t eat chips with your mouth open in the library.  The fury of the zodiac will be unleased upon you.  Just don’t do it.

Aries – The paper you’ve been procrastinating on will get done on time. You don’t have to start working on it yet.  Stay strong and keep watching that “House” marathon.

Taurus – Luck is on your side this week. It’s time to be daring. Buy some lottery tickets, show up to class without doing the reading,  and drink that milk in your fridge that’s walking the fine line of expiration. Live on the edge.

Gemini – Why be in such a hurry, Gemini? Take some time to stop and smell the roses. Or in your case, the lettuces in the GULC planters. I’ll give you a dollar if you eat one. I can’t be the only one wondering what they taste like.

Cancer – This week you will receive an email from a stranger promising you greatness/a look at your house on Google earth/lots of Viagra if you just open the attachment or click on the link. Don’t.

Leo – Cold season isn’t over quite yet. If anyone sneezes anywhere near you, promptly punch them and then lysol yourself in the face. Dangerous times call for drastic measures.

Virgo – IDK.

Libra – This is not a good week to be placing any bets, lovely Libra. Take your Super Bowl winnings and buy yourself or a Sagittarian friend something nice. Sagittarians also accept cash donations and detailed outlines. Don’t be afraid to show them you care.

Scorpio – You will be disappointed (and hungry) upon your discovery that the cafeteria’s seven bean soup is actually comprised of some broth and seven beans.

Sagittarius – You will receive an email from a long lost friend. Remember why you lost them in the first place.

Capricorn – This is the week that your dreams come true. Literally. Don’t watch any scary movies or “Fox News” before bed. We’re counting on you.