Pisces – Your disappointment that spring break has already come and gone is universal.
Aries – You will achieve your wildest dreams, and then awaken to discover that it was all a dream.
Taurus – You will beat the next level of Angry Birds. Congratulations on achieving progress in at least one area of your life.
Gemini – Your beautiful soul sparkles through, much like the vampires in “Twilight.” And much like the vampires in “Twilight,” you wish you were spending most of your time prancing around in the forest, wrestling deer.
Cancer – Use your pinchy, crabby claws to fight for truth, justice, and the “American way,” at least until law school convinces you that all 3 of those concepts are indeterminate.
Leo – Don’t cry over spilt milk or count your chickens before they hatch. Especially if you’re vegan.
Virgo – If at first you don’t succeed, study, study again. Or give up and go to the movies. Either way, you win.
Libra – Libra, Libra, bo-bee-bra, banana-fanna-fo-fee-bra, me-my-momee-bra, Libra.
Scorpio – Your carefully cultivated aura of mystery will crumble as you gain more followers on Pinterest. Pin some things you secretly hate to throw them off your scent.
Sagittarius – You will catch up on outlining this week. YOU WILL.
Capricorn – You will want to steal your Sagittarian classmates’ outlines. DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT.
Aquarius – More like hilarious. Or nefarious. Perhaps even arbitrarious. In any case, your grasp of one or more doctrines this semester is precarious.