Aries – I’m sorry, man, but I’ve got magic. I’ve got poetry in my fingertips. Most of the time - and this includes naps - I’m an F-18, bro. And I will destroy you in the air. I will deploy my ordinance to the ground.
Taurus – You have the right to kill me, but you don’t have the right to judge me. That’s life. There’s nobility in that. There’s focus. It’s genuine. It’s crystal and it’s pure and it’s available to everybody, so just shut your traps and put down your McDonalds, your vaccines, your Us Weekly, your TMZ and the rest of it.
Gemini – I’m dealing with fools and trolls and soft targets. It’s just strafing runs in my underwear before my first cup of coffee. I don’t have time for these clowns.
Cancer – I’m bi-winning. I win here, I win there … You either love or you hate. You live in the middle, you get nothing.
Leo – I have to tell them that last night was a shameful train wreck filled with blind cuddly puppies.
Virgo – I don’t have time for their judgment and their stupidity, and you know, they lay down with their ugly wives in front of their ugly children and look at their loser lives and then they look at me and they say, “I can’t process it.” Well, no, you never will. Stop trying, just sit back and enjoy the show. You know?
Libra – I have defeated this earthworm with my words. Imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists… . I think my passion is misinterpreted as anger sometimes. And I don’t think people are ready for the message that I’m delivering, and delivering with a sense of violent love.
Scorpio – I have a different constitution. I have a different brain; I have a different heart; I got tiger blood, man… . Here’s the good news. If I realize that I’m insane, then I’m okay with it. I’m not dangerous insane.
Sagittarius – From my big beautiful warlock brain, welcome to ‘Sheen’s Korner’ … You’re either in my corner, or you’re with the trolls … It’s not an act. I love it. It’s totally original. People go, ‘What’s going on with this guy? Why does he sound so weird? What is going on in his brain?’ I don’t know. Just one day I suddenly wokeup with a new brain.
Capricorn – But you can’t focus on things that matter if all you’ve been is asleep for forty years. Funny how sleep rhymes with sheep. You know.
Aquarius – People say you have to work on your resentments. Yeah, no, I’m gonna hang onto them and they’re gonna fuel my attack… . Boom, crush. Night, losers. Winning, duh.
Pisces – What they’re not ready for is guys like you and I and Nails and all the other gnarly gnarlingtons in my life, that we are high priests, Vatican assassin warlocks. Boom. Print that, people. See where that goes.
Horoscopes this week by Charlie Sheen’s warlock brain.